Driving Like A Jerk

On occasion, when I’m in a really really bad mood, I like to drive like a jerk. Now, when I do this I’m not some crazy road raging maniac, I’m simply a jerk. And a lady-like jerk at that! I don’t finger people, or make some other rude hand gesture, I just simply piss them off and smile about it. Evil? Why, yes I am.

While in a profoundly bad mood coming home from the grocery store today I decided, while I was being a jerk, that I would spread my love and help others learn how to drive like a jerk. Afterall, when you’re in a bad mood, shouldn’t everyone else be?

Every now and again I’ll be posting new ways to drive like a jerk and if any of you have any jerk-like habits that make you smile, please email them to me and I’ll be more than happy to pass them on (with credit given to you, of course).

Also, please remember that there are scary road ragers out there. If you try any of these please use some caution, common scense, and proceed at your own risk.

Jerky Driving 101

  • When in a lane that another merges into, keep the same speed as the car next to you. This will insure the other driver has to stop to merge over. ( I actually did this one today to an RTA bus – do not try that one as he was prepared to take me out. )
  • When someone honks at you, say at a light, if you have the opportunity to pull up beside them roll your window down and ask in a sugar-sweet voice, “Do you know me?” When they ask you what you’re talking about or say “What?” elaborate by saying, “Oh, you honked at me, I figured it was because you knew me!” and then laugh. They will most assuredly be pissed off. (It helps if you have a large imposing male in the car with you. Unless you’re one yourself… in which case this should work perfectly.)
  • When someone honks at you and the light just barely changed, rollllllll out of the lane at a snail pace to teach them a lesson. Afterall, you’re just being cautious!
  • When on the highway, or any other multi-laned road, and the person behind you looks as though they might want to pass you, speed up and keep pace with the car next to you so they can’t. (Special credit for Keith on this one.)
  • When there is a ridiculously low speed limit that no one obeys, make sure that you obey it. On several occasions this will drive the person behind you crazier than a fox… and you know how crazy they are.
  • This concludes driving like a jerk for now. If you’re feeling bad and need a smile, I highly recommend passing on your frown to someone else. Enjoy!

    Home Again, Home Again… Crap.

    Anyone miss me?

    Well, in any case, I did have a wonderful time with Keith. I apologize ahead of time if this post sucks, I’m really tired but I wanted to get a post up.

    I spent 9 wonderful days in Maryland with Keithy and we had a great time. I slept in, as I mentioned before, and just chillaxed.

    I was spoiled beyond all measures with belated birthday presents when I arrived.

    The purse is a Chococat one and yes extremely adorable, I’m not a big fan of Hello Kitty, but Chococat is mudder-feekin’ so cute! Picture two is a mini iPod, in pink (of course). The lazer inscription on the back reads “Jenny Bunny’s IPOD”. And before you vomit from all the adorable-cuteness, the PJ’s are from Victoria’s Secret… and if it hadn’t been in the 90’s-100’s while I was there I would have worn them! He also sent me a book on the actual day that I’ve been reading since then in my spare time, called “Mine Are Spectacular!” So far it’s pretty funny.

    See? I told you I was spoiled. And he cooks! He’s mine though, hands off.

    Anyway, I tried not to call home tons but to prevent the guilt trips, that would more than likely have bombarded me once I arrived home, I called every other day for about 10-15 minutes. I only regretted it once!

    Keith and I went to DC and walked around in 99+ degree sun, ducking in to the Smithsonian to cool off for a while, and then trekking around the rest of the place to my body’s dismay. I’ve decided I wasn’t made for hot weather. I felt pretty dern weak a couple times, but we kept ducking into cool air so I could see the white house. You can’t go to D.C. and not see the white house. I’ll be putting the pictures up in my little flicker album if you’re interested. Not tonight though, I’m too tired.

    We didn’t hit the beach, which was really my preference, because it was too bloody hot! Besides, I don’t tan anyway, so what’s the point? I do have to admit that I’m pretty nicely normal looking now. No more reflective skin! Yeah, if you don’t believe me click on the word ‘reflective’. That wasn’t all that long ago, courtesy of Princess Trix.

    So my vacation is over, and I’m so much more relaxed… thank you, Keithy.

    Vacation Update

    Just a quick update, I’ve been away from the computer and loving it.

    Keithy’s been taking care of me like nothing else. After all the time I spend thinking of anyone but myself at home it makes me feel a little guilty. At home I always drive, always make dinner, always await what little thing I should be doing next, and get up at the crack of dawn. Here Keith takes care of me, always drives, I haven’t cooked once, and I even slept in for atleast 3 days in a row now.

    We went to Washington D.C. today… it was like 100+ degrees. It was so bloody hot I thought I was going to die but it was still really awesome. I think my feet got burned on the bottom somehow. I took some great pictures, but I’ll update better later. Unfortunately I’ll be back on Saturday.

    Also, on Keith’s monitor the picture I use here on my page looks so bad. Why didn’t anyone ever tell me?! Grrr. Ok, I’m goin’.

    Ciao for now!