In Threes

Have you ever had one of those weeks where you think, “Thank goodness this week is over!” ? Well, this week was one of those weeks for me. They say that bad things happen in threes and this week it’s most assuredly true.

1. Mom’s emergency.
2. Car rear-ended.
3. Sister being a psycho.

Oh yes, my wonderful sister decided that, ya know, I don’t think my family has enough stress… maybe I’ll call them and make it worse! So since she first called, well… actually since my nephew started calling, my parents have been avoiding answering the phone at all. So, being the personal assistant that I am, I answered all calls coming in. On Friday my mom was on the phone with “church lady” AKA Bev (she’s not the busy body), answered call waiting, and bingo, it was my sister. My mom says, “I’m on the phone with my pastor.” (a lie, but close enough) and my beloved sister says she’ll call back. Doesn’t ask why she might be on the phone with her pastor, just says she’ll call back. So… when my mom’s off the phone she says, “Jen, while I was on the phone, Kim called.” I was exhausted, and napping when she found me, so I was barely comprehending when she told me. My auto response was, “Ok, don’t answer the phone, I will.” So, sure enough not 5 minutes after my mom tells me the phone rings.

Derek: Is Grandma there?
Me: No.
Derek: Yes she is, liar, she was just on the phone with her f’in (though he used the whole word) pastor so I know she’s there. Let me talk to her.
Me: No, and especially not with that sort of language, bub.
Derek: Oh, you’re soooo cool. *click*

The phone then rang three times with him hanging up every time I picked-up.

So, while I’ve been trying to keep that from my parents to lessen the stress, the call and hang up dealy was more than I could disguise. With a heaving sigh I went down stairs and got the ‘what was that about’ look from my parents. I just smiled and looked up David’s (my brother)number. I called him and explained what was happening and unfortunately, my mother heard. Her favorite grandson hitting her up for money for a car, or drugs, or whatever the heck is so important, and not caring about her well-being really cut her to the quick. While I was on the phone with David, my sister called saying,

Her: Is mom there?
Me: Nope.
Her: Oh, where is she?
Me: Walking.
Her: Oh, she told me to call her back cause she was on the phone with her pastor.
Me: Ahh, yeah… well, she’s on a walk now.
Her: Oh okay, tell her to call me back.
Me: Sure. And you might want to tell your son to stop pranking the house.
Her: Oh. Okay.
Then she adds: Oh, and tell mom if she doesn’t call me back, I will NEVER call her again. Ever.
Me: Ooookie.
Her: Ever.
Me: Right.

Seeing as my mom’s standing right there, I kept my tone light, which had to make Kim even more mad. (Thanks David for teaching me the art of making people rage!) So I hang up and I turn to see my mom’s eyes are tearing up. She wasn’t born yesterday, afterall.

I took a walk with her so she can vent and get some fresh air, and return to 4 messages on the answering machine. Luckily while they were away I moved it up to my room, so I listened to the messages 2 from David saying, “It’s me… not the enemy!” and 2 from Derek talking about how he really NEEDS to talk to his grandma-ma in private. Grandma-ma? Since when did he become some snobby I donno… new englander? Anyway, his “grandma-ma” never heard his plea for her to call because his messages went buh-bye.

I picked up the phone in hopes to talk to Keith and destress, handling this and keeping it away from my mom has been a chore and a half, when the phone rings again. I pick it up and my sister’s on the other end more mad than I’ve heard her in a while.

Her: Is mom there?
Me: Nope.
Her: Is she gonna be there any time tonight?
Me: Nope. (mind you, keith is in my other ear on my cell)
Her: Well, I just found out that you three (meaning David, my Mom, and I) have been sitting over there having little talks about me.
Me: Um…alright?
Her: Well, the least you guys could do was tell me I’m a peice of sh*t to my face.
Me: Kim, you know… Mom’s virtigo —
Her: WHat!? What about about it? I called her doctor and found out all about her condition.. so what, Ms. Smartypants, what do you think you could tell me?
Me: No, go ahead… what’d you find out? ( Hello? Called her doctor? Puh-lease.)
Her: No.. go ahead! GO AHEAD!
Me: It can be caused by stress.
Her: Well, NO SH*T!
Me: *totally silent while she rages*
Her: *rage – blah blah* I just want to know who’s gonna be there to pick me up from the bus station on Sunday.
Me: Huh?
Her: Yeah, cause I’m gonna come there.
Me: Why are you coming here?
Her: So all you peices of sh*t can tell me I’m a peice of sh*t to my face.

Personally, at this point, I don’t need to be face-to-face with that psycho to tell her she’s a peice of shite. Then she says, “I’ve been throwing up blood!” Right, because people that throw up blood usually call their family members and SCREAM at them right after. Mmhmm. How did I react? “Oh please.” And Keith says in my other ear, “Don’t let her get to you.” But my words have already angered the psycho even more.

Psycho: YEAH! THAT’S RIGHT!
Me: *silent as visions of her running at me with a knife play in my mind*
Psycho: IT MUST BE NICE TO HAVE MOMMY SUPPORTING YOU! YOU NEED TO —
Me: Blah-blah-yadda-*raspberries with my tongue* *click*

I went to bed that night thinking up reasons to get my mom out of the house on Sunday. If Kim wasn’t lying (which is a rarity) then my mom needs to be away for Sunday. Have fun walking, psycho!

Don’t worry, she was lying. She called on Saturday to say something, was all mello and sounding bad (likely because calling at 8:30am was harsh for her), but the portable phone’s battery died before she got out anything more than “Hello? “. I shrugged and rolled over.

You’d sound harsh too if you had to deal with siblings like her.

Atleast my “in threes” third thing happened. I was beginning to wonder what other catastrophe would hit.