I Hate Water Beds

This morning, after finally getting to sleep at 4am, the phone rang around 8:20am. My nephew Christopher, the “I know everything because I’m 13” delight, says, “Hey, we’re coming over.” Could someone pinch me? Seriously, what the… ? Then I hear my brother in the background, “Tell her we’ll be there in like a minute.” I stare longing at my bed and sigh my ok before hanging up. Making a HUGE cup of coffee I wait for the impending doom that is the craziness whenever Van and his kids are here for a visit. It’s amazing we’re from the same woman. We were both raised exactly the same, yet he’s a hillbilly and has some kind of hick accent and I have no accent and don’t say things like “Get ‘er dooone.” unless I’m joking around.

Anyway, as I’m pondering this I hear a bunch of crazy screaming coming from the front door’s direction. It’s amazing how sound travels through several walls, wooden doors, and a sliding glass door and still makes it to me with perfect clarity. “Answer the door!” I hear, and then it dawns on me. This is why the neighbors hate us, right? Uhh..yup!

So, still not fully with it I make my way to the front door and Van literally pushes me aside to get in and Chris follows. Right then it hit me like a wall of pain, no… not just a reality check that today would be horrible, an actual wall of pain that was in the form of the storm door they didn’t bother holding out of my way as they pushed past me. Now I’m grumpy. Pain + hyper people in the morning does not = goodness. “To what do I owe this pleasure?” I asked. They both continue on their paths out to my little haven where Van spots my beautiful coffee. “Hey, can I have some?” Dude, why do you hate me? is all I can think. “This is the last of it.” The morning passes and before I know it, I’m getting dressed before I can shower and I’m heading to Kmart for a hose because we have to get rid of my mom’s water bed that has now sprung a leak.

No shower + no sleep + hyper people + spaztastic mother = unhappy Jenny.

Now the bed is drained, thanks to my geniousness of faster draining tools. *back pat* Hopefully the bushes in the front of the house don’t die because of the conditioner in the bed! Anyway, then we’re talking about getting a new bed from Costco. It must happen TODAY because for some reason this whole situation spazzes my mom out. So I tell her we’ll just tie the mattress to the top of the Jeep. No biggie, I’ll go 15mph and it’ll be golden. Van says, “A king size mattress is like as big as a lane of a road. You can’t.” I look at him like he’s the idiot that he is… and then I notice my mom nodding in agreement. “No it’s not.” I said. Then Van goes into some dumbarse explination that it’s impossible… yadda yadda. Whatevah.

So Keith calls me and I tell him about it and he actually goes out and measures his street. Oh my gawd it makes me laugh right now just thinking about it. Could you imagine a bed as wide as a lane in the road? You’d have to have pit stops on your way out of bed just to get a drink it’d be so long a haul. It’d be 14ft wide! So as I’m laughing hysterically my mom breaks into tears, “You’re making fun of my perdicament and it’s not funny!” Huh? What the piss? She says, “I don’t have a bed, Jenny!” all dramatically. “Yeah, and this is something to cry about because? You sleep on the couch every night anyway!” Because of Bob’s snoring.

After all is said and done, I made fun of her the rest of the day for crying and I kept repeating, “I don’t have a bed, Jenny!” all dramatically. She laughed about it….eventually. The bed has been hauled out, and the new one hauled in and she’s where? On the couch. Are all mom’s this crazy or am I just lucky?