It has been more and more apparent in my life that if some one is a freak of nature they are attracted to me. I don’t mean, they think I’m pretty, I mean they’re attracted to me like a magnet to metal. Yes, I am a freak magnet. Some consider the people that look strange to be the only freaks. Well let me just tell you, my friend, they aren’t the only ones. Ask me any time, I have a zillion stories about my run-ins with the abnormals of this world, and they’re always good for a laugh.
Today was no exception, as I had to take my car into have it’s oil changed. As always, I take it to where my brother Van works and as usual Mrs. P, his boss’ wife was sitting behind the counter waiting for me. This woman has her nose in everyone’s business and my brother, more than likely to get him off his back, is more than happy to tell her alllllll about my life. What the heck is so interesting about my freakin’ life that anyone would wanna talk about it?
So she starts in, and her opening comment is, “So you’re completely divorced now, right?” and I was so happy to tell someone about it I said, “Yeah!” and I made the one arm pump to show my enthusiasm until I saw her ‘I pity you’ look so I toned it down a bit and took a seat in the spotlight of h-e-double hockey sticks and tried to fend off the barrage of personal questions. Soon enough she was satisfied with what little information I gave her and decided to puff herself up. “I’m a liscensed officiant, ya know. Do you know what that means?” I smiled, “You do wedding ceremonies and stuff?” She nodded then as if suddenly an idea hit her at full force she asks, “You’re divorced now, right? All done?” I wondered if this was deja vu or if this woman had just lost it. “Yep, all done.” Again with the pity and then she asks, “Are you seeing someone?” Which is none of her dern business, but I couldn’t think of a polite way to tell her to shut her piss. “Yes I am seeing someone.” She says, “Cause I have two single sons.” I could feel my heart starting to race now. “Oh yeah?” I didn’t know what else to say. She adds, “One is looking for someone to spend the rest of his life with, and the other isn’t interested at all.”
I smirked to myself, I knew which one wasn’t interested.. and that son of hers is rather biatchy if you get my drift. He’s the most unhappy person I’ve ever met in my entire life. Though, with a mother like her I’m not sure I can blame the guy. So, anyway she jumps in her thoughts, thank goodness, like her mind is on random. “Do you know how to work channel 200?” I blink in wonder and tilt my head, “Channel 200? What’s that?” So my brother, who happens to be taking his sweet time changing my oil, walks through and she snags him. “Van, tell your sister about channel 200.” So he explains it’s On Demand. I nod and now I get what she’s talking about. I try explaining to her how to use it and she starts taking notes. “How do you spell On Demand?” Seriously? “O-N space D-E-M-A-N-D.” She says, “Oh! D-E! I had D-A.” My inner voice snorts, damand? More like duhmand. She adds, so I really know she’s not ever been in any sort of schooling, “I’m D-U-M when it comes to spelling. I may not know how to spell much, but I know D-U-M.” My inner voice is cracking up, and I smile and try my best to repress any outward laughing at the poor thing.
My car is finally finished and I just can’t wait to get out of the place. My brother, sensing his impending doom once he’s off work, hurries me out of the station and back into the car. As I got in I said, “You’re lucky I’m such a dutiful sister.” He says, “I had nothing to do with that!” with a smirk on his face.