Ok, is it so mudder-feekin’ hard to take care of a house while I’m away? I mean, it’s not a mansion… and what the heck did you do to my dog? She’s all depressed. Why does the cat smell like cigarette smoke? Why are you so retarded?
I’ve come to the conclusion that I dislike my brother David a lot. He picks me up from the airport and immediately starts talking about things he knows is going to upset me. “I don’t think Tresse’s gonna be with us much longer.” I remain silent while I think of other places I can pee that he won’t know about besides his shampoo. “Tell me if you think the lump on her side is getting bigger, I think it’s grown 2x the size it was before you left.” I nodded and kept looking out the window, he had to know he was getting to me. So I try to change the subject, “Derek, when do you go pick up Stormy?” So David says, “We’re not looking forward to her coming out here.” I said, “Well…you aren’t looking forward to it, I’m sure.” And he says, “No, neither of us are cause things are gonna change when she does.” I said, “And what exactly is he doing now that he won’t be able to do when she gets here? Go to all those strip clubs he can get in to at 18?” He said, “I’m pretty sure she’s gonna keep him on a short leash.” To which I replied, “She won’t know anyone but Derek and barely the rest of us, so that wouldn’t surprise me. She’s just a teenager herself.”
This is when David says, “Well, we are gonna have to make her get a job to keep her occupied.” I said, “Isn’t that up to Stormy and Derek?” Derek says, “Yeah, we want to keep the “boobin” down.”
“Boobin” is a term the two of them have come up with, and it’s suppose to be what Stormy does when she calls. I guess she’s usually wimpery or something. She and Derek are rather close, being a couple back in Derek’s home town and all, and she’s there now finishing out high school.
I try to change the subject again and it falls back on Tresse, my dog. David says, “She hasn’t been playing with the unicorn much.” This I laughed at. He wouldn’t have dared to give Keith’s gift to me to the dog. Oh… why… yes he did! I walked in and went to say hello to my dog and what was next to her bed? My unicorn. I said, “What the heck? You gave her the unicorn? Why?” Derek smirks and shrugs and I can feel my (until now carefully checked) anger rising. “That’s so rude, Derek.” He says, “I didn’t know it wasn’t hers.” Which is a load of crap because he was there when Keith explained how he’d had it stuffed for me. I said, “Alright, I’m gonna have to tell Grandma about this. It’s the last straw.” He says, “Oooo… you’re telling on me?” I said, “Yep.” and kept walking before I destroyed the smile on his face with my booted foot.
I told my mother, who I could barely dial through my anger, all that had happened on my arrival home. The house was a mess, crap was placed on top of everything, the dog was depressed and dirty, the cat smelled like cigarette smoke, and David and Derek were being total arse holes to me for no apparent reason. Her words were, “I’ll have a talk with them.” Yeah, and when she makes that call I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to look out the window and watch pigs fly by on their way to h-e-double hockey sticks to ice skate.
Why did I come back again?