Ode To A Quiet House

The temperature of the house is quite pleasant, I think,
with peacefulness that’s quite relaxing.
No Bob calling out, “Jenny, can you get me a drink?”
or hovering over my shoulder while constantly asking, asking, asking.
The dog is filled with a little woe,
while the cat could really care less,
that my mother isn’t there to talk at them, and fuss, and pet.
My TiVo isn’t trying to record some lame game show,
and the T.V.’s volume is considerably less.
So now I can snuggle up and relax, knowing I’ve done all I did, with no regret.


It’s pretty clear that Dr. Seuss won’t be losing his job any time soon, isn’t it? I apologize for my lame attempt at writing an ode, but I had this overwhelming feeling of happiness and I wanted to express it creatively.

Mom and Skidmark (aka Bob my step-“father”) made it off to Florida yesterday and drove quite a ways before they decided to grab a hotel. I would love to say the last few days were nice and full of happiness, but it was really quite the opposite. Bob hid his camera yet again and sat while Mom and I looked for it……angrily. She asked him why he always hides it and he said, in his old-man crabby way, through gritted teeth, “I did NOT hide the camera.” So I looked at him and asked, “Then why, pray tell, can we not find it? AGAIN!” He said, “Ohhh.. so you think I hid it?” as he looked at me out of the corner of his eye. I could feel my anger meter shooting up higher, “No one cares about your camera, Bob, but you. Incase you don’t remember, and I’m sure you don’t, I have my OWN camera… and golly gee, I know EXACTLY where it is.” He said, “Well, maybe David took it?” and my mom shot him a look, “David doesn’t care about taking pictures.” so he added, “Maybe Derek took it?” This angers my mom even more. Derek, my sister Kim’s oldest has been here for a few days. So my mom jumps up from her seated position and screams, “How DARE you blame this on anyone but yourself. My son wouldn’t take anything… maybe your son would, but not mine.” And he angrily says, “Oh, shut up.”

That line, my friends, is where the last straw broke. I had been just outside their room making my way to the garage and saw him wave an angry hand in my mom’s direction as he said it. I stormed in and pointed a finger at his ugly old face and said, “Don’t you EVER tell my mother to shut up. EVER!” He said, “Mind your own business.” And so I got closer, “Oh… this is my business..” and I was crazy mad with my voice shaking, but calm, “… and if you ever say anything like that to her again, I will kick your ass. Mark my words. I don’t care how freakin’ old you are, there’s no reason for you to treat her the way you do. And I’ve had enough. Now GET UP and look for your camera.” He got up and walked out of the room, and I stormed out of the house looking for the camera in the cars. I was really too mad to really look, but I did what I could while the adrenaline pumped through me.

When I got back inside he was sitting on the couch and I said in passing, “Get up and look, Bob. You lost it, you have to help look. I’ll be damned if I’m going to make myself crazy looking for your crap while you sit there and wait for it to be dropped in your lap.” He got up and made his way to the kitchen. “It’s not in there, THINK about where you normally hide it and look there.” So he shuffled off while I stormed up to check out the upstairs rooms. He was sitting again and when I came down I was like, “What the heck, Bob? Look!” He said, “Oh, shut up.” And I walked over to him and said, “Get your ass up and look for your camera. And I meant what I said earlier, Bob, I will kick your ass if you ever talk to her that way again. Do you understand that?”

This is where it gets hilarious.

He says, “You’ll end up in that pond out back.” The man can’t even get up off the sofa without rocking back and forth to stand, and he’s going to put me in the pond? I had to laugh. I said, “Bob, your wrinkly old man threats don’t scare me. Now get up.” He sat there a second and then got up.

We finally found the darn thing a little while later, and we made fun of his “I’ll put you in the pond.” remark endlessly.

Ahh…family… can’t live with ’em…..can’t uh… yeah.