Alright, I’m bad.

I know it’s been a long while since I last posted, so I’ll skip all the boring crap and get to the good stuff.

Alright, clearly by posting this I am burning a bridge with Keith that won’t be salvagable … if he reads it. I’m sure he was looking for a post like this long ago, but I’ve been too busy to post anything. Now that I have time I’ll share this gem of a life lesson that I was taught to me by him.

First a little back-story. Last spring my step-father was put in intensive care and my mom was having a break down being there, far away from home, and all by herself. I flew down to be with her and to help her gather her wits about her and take off a large portion of the work load so she wouldn’t get sick herself. I made sure the house they have up north was completely clean before I went, had the carpets steam cleaned, etc… and then did the same for them when I got down to Florida. Suffice it to say, I was working my little fingers to the bone to make sure that my parents had less to worry about and so my step-father could concentrate on getting better, and my mom more put together.

So, … Keith and I were perfectly fine, or so I thought. I was exhausted at night, which is the only time he had to call me because he too was busy. So, we got to talk less… and less… and less… and then, suddenly, he stopped talking to me altogether. I would call and he wouldn’t pick up the phone. So, of course, since he lives alone my immediate thoughts are that something is wrong. You know, car accidents, stabbed, … it’s amazing what your imagination can cook up when you haven’t the slightest idea what’s going on.

A week passes… nothing. I send him txt messages, call a million times, and then… his house phone is disconnected. The only number I have left to reach him is his cell phone, and 9 times out of 10, it would go either immediately to voicemail, or it would ring possibly once and then go. I start thinking… I did something wrong and made him mad. What could that possibly be? So … finally… after a week and a half, he response to an email I wrote to his work address. It reads:

I’ll call you tonight. Way too much to go into. An no it is not what you think. I would have replied to this email sooner but I honestly didn’t see it today.

Love,
Keith

I read it and think…. what exactly does he think I think? All my email said was, … ‘Where the heck have you been?’ and some other things about ending things like adults. So I wait as patiently as I can for him to call me that night, and boy was I ever anxious to hear what he had to say. Now I’m not worried anymore, I’m mad.

I’m sure you’re thinking… that’s it? Oh hells no… it gets better. So much freakin’ better.

He says, “Remember when I told you about so-n-so and how she said she was pregnant and then left me so I figured it wasn’t my baby because she was a cheater anyway?”

I say, “Um… no?”

He says, “Oh, I didn’t tell you about that? Hm.. I thought I did.”

I say, “Ooookay, so… you’ve been avoiding me because you’re with her now or something?”

He says, “On monday she calls me on the phone, early in the morning, and asks ‘Would you like to meet your 19 yr old son?”

He’s 12yrs older than I am, so that’s not impossible for him. Now mind you, he has 2 other kids, which he neglected to tell me about in the beginning of our relationship, and I didn’t care that he had them when I found out, what would make me care about a third one?

So… he dumped me because why? Because he didn’t want a third woman telling him what to do in his life, and I didn’t give him any kids so I was the first one off the list.

Then I realized I learned two life lessons from him:

Life Lesson #5,236: Never trust a guy who lies from the start and acts holier-than-thou about everything else.

Life Lesson #5,237: People with mullets are assholes.

Also, a new question to ask a potential date: “Hey… you don’t have any 19yr old kids you don’t know about, do you?”

I’m starting to think I just need to start collecting cats or something.