Tall Tales

Oh the tangled webs we weave…

My brother David, the douche bag from my last post, is at it again. This time it’s to hilarious (although I didn’t think so when it was happening) not to post about it.

Little back story:

About a month or so ago David’s house was broken into (again – thank you karma) and his computer and a duffle bag of his papers — which had his passwords in them — were stolen. About a week after that someone was using his yahoo account and instant messaging a friend or someone he works with, I really don’t know their relationship. I recommended he email yahoo and have them investigate but he insisted the cable company told him to call the police and that they had “forensic investigators” looking into it.

Now for the good stuff:

So, since I’ve been down here we’ve gotten a letter from Time Warner Cable about “complaints of unacceptable use”. Since I can’t think of a single thing that I could have possibly been reported for, I figured it was something to do with David. My mom didn’t understand the letter so I explained it to her and told her that I’d call the cable company and see what the problem was or if maybe we’d gotten the letter by accident. David calls that night and she tells him about it and says that I was going to call the next day. He says, “No, I’ll just go down there.” When she tells me he’s going I immediately called the cable company. Why? My past experience with David is that he may or may not actually go, and then if it’s his fault, he’ll blame me. I know it sounds paranoid, but it’s the complete truth. He’s a shifty character.

So, I talk with the ‘tier 3’ so-n-so (apparently he’s higher on the chain of command) and get what’s been happening. He asks if I have a wireless router, and all I heard was router so I said I did. Then he goes into an explaination about how I need to get a wep key, blah blah.. and we decide it’s probably better to just put the cable on vacation until we get back. Afterall, I was under the assumption someone outside the house was doing it now, using our cable, so why would we risk having our cable taken out? So we put it on vacation and he says that when I get back into town just to call and it won’t cost a thing to put it back up. Problem solved, right? What do I care, I still have the internet here.

That night my mom makes me call David about it, which I knew was going to be rough. So I tell him about all the bad activity that we had and that we just decided to shut the cable off until we got home and I could do something about the security I didn’t know I needed to have (and I didn’t know because I didn’t need it). He was clearly mad about the whole thing, and got all pissy about it and hung up. I laughed and said, “Man, he’s pissed.” and my mom’s response was, “I don’t care. It’s my house and my bill, I’ll do what I want with it.”

This is when it gets really interesting. The next night David calls and asks my mom to turn the cable back on because he wants to do his “research”… aka surf porn. She tells him she won’t and he tells her he went to Comcast (note that I said we use Time Warner earlier?) and that they told him that half of Blahsvillage is angry at us. My mom’s horrified. “They know WE did something?” I’m sure her mind is racing about neighbors giving her evil looks and such. He goes on to say that they didn’t know it was us. He says he infected a weather website with a virus, but that I put said virus on his computer. He says that every time he goes to this weather website to check the weather he infects the site with his virus. The virus then attacks only the students of Blahsvillage causing them to get pop-ups. Now the parents of Blahsvillage are mad and they’re calling Comcast. Alright, so when he calls (remember he already said he went down there) apparently the cable company was about to turn off all the cable we have, including the cable down here. That means tv cable, phone, internet…everything, but our hero David saved the day. He told them that wasn’t the case, and that they needed to keep it on.

Yeah,… I know. I’ll pause here a moment so the big flashing WHAT THE F*CK? sign above your head can stop flashing.

Alrighty then! Yeah, now is when it gets even more interesting. You see, apparently I not only put this very clever virus on my step-father’s computer so that if David used it he’d infect websites, *I* was the one that hacked into his yahoo account and messaged his friend Steve! His friend then tracked down the IP address and it led him to my computer. Naturally, I mean, I am the master of all things evil. The problem with that is, we have a router and so the best he could do, which I highly doubt he would even know how to, would be to track it to my house or area… not my computer. When he told Comcast about it, Comcast told him that he could press charges against me. And when the police from imagination station come to get me, I’m going to bop them on the head with my magic wand.

Now, this story alone would only be fodder for me to make fun of David had he not involved my mother. She’s stressed enough with all the things to do with Bob, let alone worrying about his pressing fake charges against me that would never come to fruition should someone with half a brain be listening. My mom knows absolutely nothing about computers, infact she knows even less than that, so all this was believable to her. So I had to spend an entire night explaining how everything was so completely wrong, and could not even remotely be true.

My favorite line during their conversation? “Jenny and I could really get along if we just stop playing games.” He thinks I sit in my bedroom hatching my next evil plan against him, when it’s more like… I could care less what he’s freaking doing. He’s just luck he wasn’t here when my mom told me about it. Lets just say the hand I like to use for bitch-slapping was itchy.