Tomorrow I leave for Florida because Bob went into intensive care on thursday (I think thursday) and my mom is slowly going nuts from it all. My original plans were to leave Friday, but when she keeps calling me crying I just can’t sit by and do nothing.

My sister-in-law, the one I like to call sausage toes, Michelle has lowered herself on my totem pole of points to be equal with B-renda (my other “sister”-in-law) because of the stunt she pulled yesterday. My mom has been really exhausted and doesn’t feel like explaining the story over and over again so she hasn’t been calling everyone in the family. Instead she calls me and I call everyone and explain it over and over. Well, yesterday I called my brother Keith’s wife Michelle and told her what’s going on and that her plans to come down on Sunday would have to wait for another time. She’s been wanting to come down for a little mini-vacation (they only live 3 hrs away from my parents) and thought that it would still be ok even though Bob’s in the hospital. Umm… actually it’s not, you selfish whore. (No, I didn’t say this to her face… just to everyone else.) So when I say, “You want to come down to vacation while no one’s at home?” and she comes back with this, “I just want to be there for your mom like family should.” This line sent me into a rage that I had to carefully tuck away before I melted her with my words. “Well, she’s not at home all day and when she gets home she doesn’t want to socialize she wants to eat and go to sleep.” This didn’t satisfy Ms. Sausage Toes, nope! She wanted me to call my mom and ask her anyway, just incase. So I agree, fully planning on never mentioning it to my mom.

Why does her saying “I just want to be there for your mom like family should.” send me into a rage? Well, it’s not like they didn’t know Bob was in bad shape before this freakin’ week. My parents have been in Florida now for nearly 6 months and even though they live 3 hrs away they’ve only visited them once. Christmas was suppose to be with my parents, they cancelled. Then New Years, cancelled. The list goes on and on like this. When do they make sure they call my parents? When they know a birthday check should be coming in the mail! Now, of all times, she wants to be helpful like family should? Why? Because she wants a vacation! So, my mom’s suppose to go to the hospital and then come home and entertain her, clean up after her (because she’s a slob), and watch her child? Umm no.

So I called her back and flat out told her she’s not coming down for a vacation. What does she do? She has my brother call me in the morning to guilt me about it. Sorry Charlie, still not happening. The only people whose feelings I care about right now are the people that actually care about me and my parents.

It’s times like these where you learn who your true friends are.

Letters to the Yuckies

Dear Badly Dressed Lady,

The shirts you’re wearing are way too short! You’ve clearly gotten the layered look wrong, but that’s ok, I’ll gladly help you. For starters, when you wear more than one shirt, one of them should actually cover your gut. Secondly, the pants you had on that rested at the hip… yeah… not so good… particularly combined with the short shirts. See, no one wants to see your gut hanging out over your too low pants and creeping out from under your too small shirts. That’s not pretty, and not stylish either. It’s yucky.


Dear Speed addicted Neighbor Lady,

Your children play basketball at 7am every morning and I’m starting to think up things to hurt them. You see, when it gets to this time of year when the heat is off and the air is nice outside, people open their windows. I think it’s marvelous that your children play a sport, but playing at 7am in the morning is not cool. The constant bouncing for 1 full hour before their bus arrives is enough to drive me batty. Again, please reign your children in before I sick my cat on them. She may not have claws but she bites ……almost pretty hard!


Dear Self,

Yeah you! Do you remember working in retail and having customers tell you their life stories while you checked them out and thinking, these people are wierd? Remember? Yeah, well in the future don’t tell the carpet cleaners about your cat, and about your parents, and about your siblings. They don’t freakin’ care! You saddened me today with your lack of control. You knew you’d done it after every uncontrolled sentence was uttered. Yes, no use beating yourself up over it…. and stop talking to yourself like this, it’s creepy. Psycho.


P.S. When did you realize you had a comma addiction? It’s getting really bad. See the above post to help you take the first step in realizing your problem.

Good times

Last week Meghan and her two boys, Elek and Adler, came for a 3 night stay in glorious Blah Village and the weather was actually accomodating. We joke that the taxes are so high that we order the weather around here, so I must have done something right. It was a seriously fun filled visit with trips to the nature and science center, which I think I enjoyed more than Elek (and Adler since he slept the whole time), and the hospital! Yes that’s right, a golly-gee-isn’t-this-doctor-creepy good time at the hospital.

Elek enjoyed a pear just a little too much and ended up getting a small piece of it up his nose. See, he’s been a little congested lately so, being a little boy, he’s been picking at his widdle 2 yr old nose a bit. He bit the pear and a small sliver was on his upper lip, Meghan told him to hold on that she’d wipe it, and quick-like-a-rabbit his little finger went up his nose taking the piece of pear with it. So, we made a visit to the hospital to make sure nothing was going to get infected. This is when we ran into the doctor that I would never recommend touch children. Anyway, he came in, examined Elek, and told Meghan she had to give him a “special kiss”. As she and I stared at him blankly he explained that she had to blow in Elek’s mouth so that air would shoot out his nose and blow the pear peice out. So basically making Elek shoot a snot rocket at her. Apparently, that’s called a special kiss. He said it in such a way that even Meghan said, “That sounds wrong.” and we laughed about it. In the end, poor Meghan was wiping her face and Elek was just fine. It’s definately a story to remember, at least for me. I’m sure Meghan would like to forget. Oh yes, and the icing on the cake is that while we were in the waiting room and Meghan was filling out the paperwork, Elek was running between us, and there was a guy that decided to chat with me. He mentioned he’d just had a baby 3 days ago, yadda yadda, and I could tell that he thought I was Elek’s mom because he kept asking me things about him and I didn’t want him to think I was and didn’t know stuff that any mom would know about her child. So I told Elek to run to his mom, “Go get mommy.” and he ran off. The guy looked at me strange and asked, with air quotes, “Are those ‘your’ kids with your ‘life partner’?” I was like, “I’m her youngest’s Godmother, we’re friends and they’re visiting.” Though now that I think of it I should have said something more clever, you just don’t get chances like this very often. He sure as heck better have thought we were lipstick lesbians, too!


I miss those babies and Meghan a lot, and I’m just glad I got a chance to spend so much time with them all in one lump. Putting Adler to sleep and playing with Elek, talking with Meghan, it was really a great time. I just have the best ‘life partner’ ever! Sorry Keith!