I know by now I should be in the spirit of Christmas, I’ve baked countless cookies, wrapped presents, stringed up lights and garland, put little red bows on everything possible…. but it’s just not happening. I went shopping with Meghan when she came unexpectedly in to town and we had a HUGE blast and laughed the whole time and that’s when my spirit for Christmas started to peek it’s head out. I tried coaxing it out a little more by making 20 million batches of cookies and then I delivering them to the neighbors.
I went to the neighbors we call “kitty corner” and the husband’s mom answers the door. She then proceeds to tell me EVERYTHING about them, which I like because I like to know stuff, but I felt a little bad for them at the same time. I’m a pretty private person so hearing how she keeps her dog poop bags hidden behind a bush, how she’s doing too much just before Christmas, how her house is a mess, yadda yadda might have been pushing the privacy thing. Oh well, I loved it all the same…she’s a gossiper and there’s nothing like good gossipy story. So I thought, hey, this is nice… I feel good.
Then I went next door to the Jerk house. Kind of uncomfortable because Shelly pretends she knows everything about everyone. I blurted out, “Wow, our neighbors are sure working hard in their house.” in a moment of uncomfortable silence and she says, “Oh? What are they doing?” Like she was offended they hadn’t told her about it before they started. Then I was even more uncomfortable because I like to hear gossip but I hate to spread it. “Oh… umm.. they’re redoing their laundry room and it looks really fantastic from what I could see.” I barely saw more than a glimpse but if what I say might be spread around the neighborhood then I want it to at least have the “fantastic” word attached somewhere, right? So I leave and go over to my backyard neighbors but no one comes to the door so I go to “Doodie’s” house and no one answers the door their either so, I hadn’t planned on giving the people with arsehat teenagers (who likely aren’t teenaged anymore) cookies because last year they threw snowballs at our windows a few days after I gave them cookies (not a good sign) so I decided that since it was Christmas and I was outside already, why not?
I want to start here by saying, the front door of your home is not sound proof. The people on the other side can most definately hear you. In the future when you’re saying something nasty or rude about the person on the other side of the door, either say it quietly, or don’t say it until you know they’re gone. Just a little front door etiquette for ya there.
Sooo… I hear, “Oh geez…” from the mom and then the daughter says, “Just don’t answer it, she’ll go away.” At this point I was ready to abandon my holiday mission of kindness and leave them without my very freakin’ tastey cookies… and then the front door opens. I try to act happy as I shove the cookies at her (the mom) and say, “Merry Christmas!” but what I really should have done was say, “Never mind.” and walked away. She acts all happy to recieve them and says, “Wow! This is a surprise!” like she wasn’t going to totally ignore the fact that I was at the door 5 seconds earlier. I half smiled and said, “Take care.” when I really should have said, “I hope you choke on them, whore.” and left. I was still walking down their lawn when the garage door opened and I didn’t even look back until I heard the daughter say, “She really made all those?” in her best snobby Blahvillage way. Her mom said, “Yeah.” and the daughter replied, “Gawd, get a life!” and they both laughed and got in the car. I couldn’t get in my house fast enough! Why would anyone say something like that about someone who has never said anything unkind to them about anything, including the times they’ve thrown fireworks in our trees, shot a paint gun and broke our kitchen window, and countless other things. I called my mom and as I told her the story I couldn’t keep the tears from coming up.
Bah humbug to those bastages and I hope they choke on my cookies! F-tards. Oh yeah! And I hope the cookies make them really fat…err…fatter. AND! I hope they all lose their hair too. And get crabs from some public toilet seat.
Merry Christmas to the rest of you, though. I’ll be spending it out of state with Keith and his kids and then we’ll be driving back next thursday for new years weekend here at home. How are you guys spending your Christmas?