Christmas Again?

I know by now I should be in the spirit of Christmas, I’ve baked countless cookies, wrapped presents, stringed up lights and garland, put little red bows on everything possible…. but it’s just not happening. I went shopping with Meghan when she came unexpectedly in to town and we had a HUGE blast and laughed the whole time and that’s when my spirit for Christmas started to peek it’s head out. I tried coaxing it out a little more by making 20 million batches of cookies and then I delivering them to the neighbors.

I went to the neighbors we call “kitty corner” and the husband’s mom answers the door. She then proceeds to tell me EVERYTHING about them, which I like because I like to know stuff, but I felt a little bad for them at the same time. I’m a pretty private person so hearing how she keeps her dog poop bags hidden behind a bush, how she’s doing too much just before Christmas, how her house is a mess, yadda yadda might have been pushing the privacy thing. Oh well, I loved it all the same…she’s a gossiper and there’s nothing like good gossipy story. So I thought, hey, this is nice… I feel good.

Then I went next door to the Jerk house. Kind of uncomfortable because Shelly pretends she knows everything about everyone. I blurted out, “Wow, our neighbors are sure working hard in their house.” in a moment of uncomfortable silence and she says, “Oh? What are they doing?” Like she was offended they hadn’t told her about it before they started. Then I was even more uncomfortable because I like to hear gossip but I hate to spread it. “Oh… umm.. they’re redoing their laundry room and it looks really fantastic from what I could see.” I barely saw more than a glimpse but if what I say might be spread around the neighborhood then I want it to at least have the “fantastic” word attached somewhere, right? So I leave and go over to my backyard neighbors but no one comes to the door so I go to “Doodie’s” house and no one answers the door their either so, I hadn’t planned on giving the people with arsehat teenagers (who likely aren’t teenaged anymore) cookies because last year they threw snowballs at our windows a few days after I gave them cookies (not a good sign) so I decided that since it was Christmas and I was outside already, why not?

I want to start here by saying, the front door of your home is not sound proof. The people on the other side can most definately hear you. In the future when you’re saying something nasty or rude about the person on the other side of the door, either say it quietly, or don’t say it until you know they’re gone. Just a little front door etiquette for ya there.

Sooo… I hear, “Oh geez…” from the mom and then the daughter says, “Just don’t answer it, she’ll go away.” At this point I was ready to abandon my holiday mission of kindness and leave them without my very freakin’ tastey cookies… and then the front door opens. I try to act happy as I shove the cookies at her (the mom) and say, “Merry Christmas!” but what I really should have done was say, “Never mind.” and walked away. She acts all happy to recieve them and says, “Wow! This is a surprise!” like she wasn’t going to totally ignore the fact that I was at the door 5 seconds earlier. I half smiled and said, “Take care.” when I really should have said, “I hope you choke on them, whore.” and left. I was still walking down their lawn when the garage door opened and I didn’t even look back until I heard the daughter say, “She really made all those?” in her best snobby Blahvillage way. Her mom said, “Yeah.” and the daughter replied, “Gawd, get a life!” and they both laughed and got in the car. I couldn’t get in my house fast enough! Why would anyone say something like that about someone who has never said anything unkind to them about anything, including the times they’ve thrown fireworks in our trees, shot a paint gun and broke our kitchen window, and countless other things. I called my mom and as I told her the story I couldn’t keep the tears from coming up.

Bah humbug to those bastages and I hope they choke on my cookies! F-tards. Oh yeah! And I hope the cookies make them really fat…err…fatter. AND! I hope they all lose their hair too. And get crabs from some public toilet seat.

Merry Christmas to the rest of you, though. I’ll be spending it out of state with Keith and his kids and then we’ll be driving back next thursday for new years weekend here at home. How are you guys spending your Christmas?


In my last post I mentioned being locked out of the house, well that’s a pretty messed up story so since my mind is on random I thought I’d tell it.

The wednesday before Thanksgiving I got a call from my mom and when ever I mentioned anyone in the family she would say something like, “Yeah, well… I’m too pissed to care. I’m really hating people right now.” Assuming I didn’t belong in the people she hated category I asked what was up. She said that Bob had been on the phone with his demented son Rob and she caught him saying something along the lines of “Yeah…mmhmm….I don’t see that being a problem, Rob.” and asked him what he was agreeing to. Since Rob had decided he needed to move again (thank God because now he won’t be close by) my mom was afraid Bob was sending him more money.

On a side note I should mention that Rob has told my brother David that he’s waiting for Bob to die so that he gets the money he’ll inherit.

Anyway, it seems Rob had it in his head that he was going to stay HERE in this house while he was in between cities. I never thought I’d be so happy to be sick in my entire life! My mom (the quick thinker) told Bob that it was impossible because I was way too sick to have anyone in the house. Rob countered that by saying he’d only be in their bedroom and wouldn’t be bothering me. Bob thought that wasn’t a bad plan until my mom scowled at him and he explained to Rob that he couldn’t stay here because I was so sick. Could you imagine? Me alone in the house with Rob? I feel sick just thinking of it. So on to how I got locked out… I was told that once Rob dropped off some things that he wasn’t able to take with him down on the bus I was suppose to take the bug spray and make sure all the crap he put in the garage was completely soaken with it. I felt guilty doing it until a bug crawled out mid-spraying…. and then I soaked everything until it was dripping. As I got chilly I made my way back into the house….only the door was locked. I called my brother who had just left and got his voicemail right away. I called my mom, then I called David again, then my brother Van who has a key to the house. Yep, I’m an idiot. I got back in half an hour later.

On another note I bought some lighted candy canes to add to my decorations this year and suddenly the people across the street have some! Those jerks will pay for copying me before I could get my decorations outside. No holiday cookies for them.

I’m making a ton of cookies and stuff this year so I was wondering, does anyone have a favorite cookie they’d like to share with me? Let me know what it is so I can build my cookie list up!

Ever Have One of Those Days?

This morning I woke up full of the energy I knew I’d have to have to be as ambitious as I’d planned out the night before. See, I’ve had a horrible case of bronchitis and so the thought of vacuuming, dusting, and what-have-you seemed as possible as… I don’t know… something impossible. I was on 1000 mg of straight up penicillin, a prescription coughing pill, and an inhaler. To say the least, I wasn’t doing much but coughing and…..well….there was the incident where I locked myself out of the house…. but I’ll talk about that later.

Today was a special day of craptastic measures. It started out like this…

Yes, that’s right. This is a picture of the entry way into my house. Lovely, no? So I clean up the mess, call the proper people who tell me to go outside and clean off the V part of the gutters. This is what is backing up the water. Well, gee… do you think you people could have mentioned something like this before abandoning me? Did I mention I’m afraid of heights? So, I get up on a ladder, clean the mudder-feeking gutter in the rain, and call my mom to tell her that it’s done.

Her: Did you get the back gutter too?
Me: It’s pouring rain outside and I’m barely well again. I should clean the back gutter too?
Her: Well, you don’t want it coming in the living room too.
Me: Fine.

I go haul the ladder back and clean that gutter out too. Mudder-feekin’ gutters! This winter I will take much pleasure in pounding them when the icicles form. I call her back.

Me: Ok, they’re both clean.
Her: You should keep checking them in case it happens.
Me: *making strangling motions with my hands* Yeah, will do.
Her: Did you ever bring in the hoses?
Me: What?
Her: Those hoses are going to freeze. Isn’t it going to freeze?
Me: Uhh… yeah, sorry I didn’t hop to getting the hoses. I guess I was too busy having bronchitis!
Her: Oh yeah.

So I decided to settle myself down and read some blogs. I’d just finished reading my comments when the power goes out. Dude, not kewl. I tried taking a nap but the wind was picking up and making it impossible so I decided to spend money. Bed, Bath & Beyond kept making these “If the power goes out…” announcements so I bought a cookie press and got out of there. With my luck I’d have been stranded in there all day. I popped next door to the book store and wandered around there for a bit. They have the PERFECT gift for my Meghan. It’s nothing big, but I’m pretty sure she’ll like it.

As I walked in the house the lights and heat both kicked on. Yes! My luck was changing! …and just as I was rejoicing…..the power went back out…. for 4 more (very chilly) hours.

Today was the suck.

Silver lining: A gift for Meghan.