Tour -O- Porn

I promised Meghan I’d put up these signs so here’s the road signs we encountered once we hit around the Georgia area. With one of these signs about every 20 miles or so (sometimes more than that) it went from hilarious to me critiquing the girls on them. It seems that either the 80’s rocker chick hair is still in style there or these signs are really old.

We stopped for something to eat and as we were pulling out of the rest stop crap food n gas place this little gem was nestled right beside it. We didn’t even see it until we were pulling out and so Keith took the picture. See that? Lovers dvd’s! They’re a modern porn motel.

These signs are the ones I got the biggest kick out of. You can’t see the 80’s rocker hair, and the lame “outfit” but look couples are welcome! Woo-hoo!

Cafe Risque, where you can have a wonderful turkey sandwich on focaccia bread with a side of porn and skank! Yay! (No, we weren’t up this close, pervs. I stole this picture off the internet because it was raining when we passed by.)

Not just food, not just fun… Food-N-Fun!

If Cafe Risque wasn’t enough, there’s always Cafe Erotica!

Unfortunately we didn’t get the picture of the really HUGE porn place. That one was the gem of all gems because right before you see the warehouse huge building o’ porn you see the BIGGEST white cross. I mean so huge it could have been a cell tower. Confusing? Why, yes…yes it is.

Clearly you can see Keith and I had a hoot laughing at the signs driving down and back up. It’s only too bad we didn’t take a picture of the sign when you first enter Florida. It states that residents are allowed to use deadly force if they feel threatened and to beware. Welcome to Florida….we will shoot you. Have fun!

Driving Like a Jerk – Session Three

I originally was going to post about the road signs Keith and I ran into on the way home from Florida but some of them are not suited for the post AFTER my post about being a godmother so I’ve changed gears.

If you haven’t read the first two, here they are for you.

Driving Like a Jerk
Driving Like a Jerk – Session Two

I’ve learned a few things since the last two sessions, my friends, and that is there is always someone more of a jerk on the road than you. However, I have learned from these people so I can pass on the greatness that is pissing people off on the road.

I explained in my first two sessions that, on occasion, I enjoy driving like a jerk. If someone is spazzing about something behind me, it makes my frown turn upside down. There’s nothing that makes my horrible mood better than passing it on to someone else.

Again, there are a lot of road ragers out there, if you try any of these please use caution, common sense, and proceed at your own risk.

  • If you piss someone off on the road, and they drive by you ranting and raving, you should always blow a kiss in their direction, or laugh, laughing pisses them off more too. (The first one actually happened to me and I wanted to murder the arsehat that did it, so I know. Laughing is usually the thing I stick to, but that’s more of a natural reaction.)
  • If there’s a really great song on that you love, you should honk to the beat or even just at random. A horn, after all, can be a musical instrument too. (This one is especially great at stop lights and tends to confuse just about everyone around you.)
  • If there’s a really great song that you love and you’re stopped for any length of time, use the break petal as your time keeper. Whomever is behind you will see your flashing break lights and think they’re hazards. (This one is really more of a stupid thing than a jerky thing, but I still think it’s funny and I’ve had people give me looks so it must be effective.)
  • When behind elderly people 9 times out of 10 you can totally freak them out by scooting up too close to their rear end at a stop light. If they scoot up more, you scoot up more. (This one usually works better on elderly women, they’re much easier to spook.)
  • If you’re on the highway or any multi-laned road, be sure to drive slower or the speed limit in the left most lane. People love when you drive cautiously in the fast lane. (Thanks for this one, Bug.)
  • Apply make-up when at a stop light, when the light turns green there will always be someone behind you that honks. Look up, then finish what you’re doing, and then proceed nice and slowly. You want to look your best when they pull around and cuss you out.

Remember, if you have any jerky moves you’d like to share with me just send me somethin’ on over.

Godmother Bunny

Alright, so I was wrong about getting the verdict in today but that’s good because this news needs it’s own special post all for itself, not clumped up with my farewell post after the Thunderdome.

Today my best friend Meghan found out she’s having another boy and asked me to be his Godmother. I’m so honored and happy about it I just can’t contain myself, I even told the lawn guy when he came over.

Here’s a picture of him…

…alright it’s just a picture of his “money shot”, as Meghan put it (because they were hoping for another boy), so I censored it. His name is going to be Adler Liam (pronounced lee-um). Adler’s name is german, and his middle name is Irish. Her first son Elek is just the most precious little guy, I can’t wait to meet Adler.

Turn up the incubator, woman!

Worn Out

Tomorrow, I think, is the big day of judgement in Blog Thunderdome. I entered my blog ages ago and my ticket was finally drawn. Even though I clearly asked to be put up against a blog that I’d lose to I found myself battling WebKittyn. The kitty and I found out before we were actually told and so we were slightly prepared when the comment war began. It started out nice enough with the usual stream of WK supporters casting their votes for her but quickly turned ugly when WK claws appeared. Long story short, she took my saying the words “comment whore” (see “Remember These” post) to be a personal attack on herself and got all cranky cat on me.

Now, I am a rather vicious person when I’m attacked (heck, I peed in my brother’s shampoo when he pissed me off…twice.) and I tend to go for the throat in a very un-bunny-like way. That sort of punishment, however, are for things I take more seriously than my blog and myself. So I’m more than happy to say that I do hope WebKittyn wins because it’s clear she’s the type with her heart on her sleeve, but not only for that reason….though right now I can’t really think of the others. Oh… I like the color purple she uses in her tempate, too. I’m really trying to be more enthusiastic, but… I just got home from sun, fun, and basking in the love of family and my Keithy.

Upon arrival my house smelled of cat pee…(nothing better than that smell I tells ya) and the house plants I’ve been carefully taking care of totally dead…or near there. My brother David was clearly around while I was gone as he left me dishes (still on the stove) and moldy coffee in the coffee pot. Good luck with that next batch, bro.

Hey…does anyone know if visine in a drink really makes the person have bathroom problems? Just curious.

Oh! Another thing I forgot to mention, it seems that since I write about Keithy here that it annoys the people reading it for the Thunderdome competition. So umm…

Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy love you Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy Keithy

Muhahaha…

** Updated **

I actually have another bloody week. Yay.

Buh-bye…

…to all the fun I had this week.

Keith and I had a great time here in Ft Myers and we’re really dragging our feet about leaving. While I was here we spent a ton of time trying to tan the reflective shine out of our skin. It’s painful to see the pictures taken of me in the winter. My friend Meghan even had a few pictures where her camer could seriously not take a picture of me without a huge halo of light around me…that’s how bad it is. So I feel tan now but really I just look “normal”.

Anyway here’s a few pictures of our trip to the Florida everglades where we took an airboat ride through. Can I say… I love air boats? They are mudder-feekin’ fast.

The Everglades

Wild pigs

This is a video of the alligator swimming by our boat. Complete with me laughing and saying “he ate her hat” and my mother saying “it’s comin’!” and “oh my gosh.”

Oh, before I forget…

…I umm…fergot about the contest ‘n stuff. I guess that makes me a proud member of the SBC.

Also, I’d like to take a moment to say that it really looks as though I will not be winning in Blog Thunderdome. It’s for the better because WebKittyn, the blog I’m up against, has more to lose than I do. She’s very active in the blogging community and I’m….well…not. Not to mention she has quite a following, and rightly so, that support her. So even though her cat claws have come out, I’m going to say *shrug*…I’m happy for you, WK.

Remeber These?

Though they haven’t had any biddings yet, I’m almost positive there’s some one out there just waiting to pounce on these.

If you don’t know the story behind them then I highly suggest you read about them. They’ve also been used for the button I made Brad at Blogg’d and so by now they’re at least a little famous, wouldn’t you say?

The thought came to me when I got the email from Dave at Maximum Awesome telling me I was headed into the Blog Thunderdome against WebKittyn, who has a fairly large fan base. What better way to perhaps get a little something aimed my way in the forums? Currently I’m being creamed in there because I don’t whore myself out in comment boxes.

So, when the judges come in I’ll be banned from blogging for, I believe, 3 months. Anyway, go check out the forums over at Chaos Wastes and read all about how my “anime chick has dumpy thighs”!

You Thought it Wouldn’t Happen..

…but it did. Yep, she wrote again. This is starting to lose it’s fun so I think it’ll be the last time I reply unless her next email is a doozy. She wrote:

Keith,

I would just like to point out…She has yet to say she loves you. Interesting don’t you think ? I would think if someone says “I’m very proud of him and I understand because he’s handsome.” It would be followed up with “And I love and trust him very much !”

take care,
‘gina

Poor thing…she thinks she’s actually making sense. I wrote back:

Regina,

I know you’re much older than me so it has to be a real low point in your life when someone my age tells you to GROW UP. I think your drinking has effected you more than you realize. Clearly you don’t have any common sense…scratch that… any sense at all left. Keith thought it would be funny if we sent you an email from his email address since you’ve been too afraid to use your own thus far. You are aware that we think you’re a wacko, right? Are you really this desperate and sad? Maybe you should stop drinking so much and seek out some councelling.

Anyway, I hope you find yourself a man so you can stop bothering mine. He doesn’t want to write to you because he thinks you’re pathetic and not worth the time, but as a fellow female I thought you should know that. Ok, I lied.. I’m just emailing because it’s funny! Keith and I will be going away on vacation over Easter for a little over a week so if you need to keep up this sad attempt at trying to get my beloved and reply we won’t get it.

If you do reply at least we’ll have something to laugh about when we get home!

See ya,
Jenny


Man, I make me laugh. She’s almost more entertaining than watching B-renda’s chin stubble grow.

Also, come monday I’ll be in the Blog Thunderdome… here’s hoping I don’t get totally crushed. At least as I read the horrible comments I’ll be able to relax in Florida.

And the Cat Came Back..

Well…my wish was granted.

Ms. Backstabbing Whore wrote back to Keith:

Keith,

Well I got your message loud and clear. I don’t remember you being such an asshole. I was just interested and wanted to see if you were still dating someone. A simple yes would have been fine. I will say this though, either she IS the jealous type. Which would explain the tone of your message so she wouldn’t be mad at you. Or you feel VERY strongly for her. I am sure you know this but she emailed me as well. Her feelings about it weren’t quite as strong. But whatever, I won’t email you again unless I hear from you. But if you ever need a friend let me know.

‘gina

So I thought, I’ll just let it pass and not send her another email but when Keith read me it again I could feel the claws coming out, so you just know I couldn’t let it be.

I wrote:


Hello again Regina (and Kerstin, I imagine),

Keith forwarded me your email to make me laugh…and laugh we did!

I’m sorry you didn’t think my feelings about this situation were as strong as Keith’s because I worded it nicely. I thought by saying things like ” delusional”, “desperate”, ” sad”, “Keith is mine “, and “drunk” more than hinted at my feeling towards you and what you’re doing. I would actually rather be getting my teeth pulled than be emailing you. Keith has lost all hope of getting through to you. He knew I wrote you before and knows I’m emailing you now. In fact I read him the last one and I’m planning on reading him this one. So I surely hope you don’t think you’ve told him some big secret. Your saying, ” I am sure you know this but she emailed me as well. Her feelings about it weren’t quite as strong.” wasn’t taking a jab at me or surprising him, sorry.

When you said, ” I was just interested and wanted to see if you were still dating someone. A simple yes would have been fine.” You see, I can understand his frustration here. He did tell you he was with me. Numerous times. Then you send him “Just wanted to say hi ! We’re about to head out for a girls night out, but we would make an exception if you wanted to come. -giggle-” I’m sorry you’re infatuated with my boyfriend and can’t control your drinking, but please understand, he’s getting more and more mad. He doesn’t like having some weirdo fawning on him. No one likes unwanted attention.

Secondly, why would I be mad at him because you wrote? That makes no sense at all. He can’t control what you do and I certainly wouldn’t expect him to. He wrote what he wanted to with no urging from me. You, on the other hand, should have let it go when he said he was taken months ago…months and months ago.

Oh, by the way, I’m not the jealous type. Another females looking at my man doesn’t surprise me at all. I’m very proud of him and I understand because he’s handsome. In other words, Keith does feel strongly for me….but don’t take my word for it, re-read his email.

Jenny

Ahh….that made me feel better.

P.S. Vote for me at SBC!

The Begging Begins

Shitty Blog Survivor has started and already I feel the pressure of being voted off the island fairly easily sneaking it’s way in.

I need your help for this! You have to go to SBC and leave a comment in the comment box under the post “Here we go” saying why you think I should win. The more creative the comments the better.

I’m in your hands. *snuffle*

Backstabbing Whores Beware

Recently Keithy has been getting emails from two former cow-orkers (yes the misspelling is intentional) by the names of Kerstin (the friend) and Regina (the [insert bad language here]) about Regina’s growing interest in MY man. When he and I first became a couple Keith was still working at his former company and Regina asked him out. He explained that he was in a relationship and she said, “I’m so happy for you.” and he didn’t hear anything from her until this year. Around Christmas she sent him an email asking for his home address to send him a Christmas card and soon enough he got one from Regina and her boyfriend Scott. Well, it seems Scott had enough come the new year and started it off with a big fat dump…. of Regina that is. Regina, feeling low, remembers how wonderful my Keithy is (and the fact that he’s handsome doesn’t help matters) and gets her friend Kerstin to write him a few “feeler” emails to show Regina’s interest in a round about way. Keith, being the bright one that he is, catches her hints and tells her that he’s very taken and not interested. And that was in the last three emails. Yesterday he checked his email to find this one (The language has been cleaned up and my comments are in [ brackets like these]:

Hi Keith !!! It’s Regina SUPRISE ! I’m using Kerstin’s email. Just wanted to say hi ! We’re about to head out for a girls night out, but we would make an exception if you wanted to come. -giggle- [what adult female writes a “-giggle-” in her email?] I know ,I know you’re seeing someone. [But you were hoping that maybe by now it was over, right?] Didn’t Ashley [correctly spelled Ashleigh] have a birthday on Saturday. Wasn’t she an April fools baby. How is work going ? I bet you’re kicking a** ! I guess your divorce is final by now but who knows with such a [she uses the c word here] like your ex was. Sorry for the language but she was so way past royal fing b*tch she moved to [uses the c word again].

Welp we’re heading out. TTYL !
Hugs [whore],

Regina

Keith sent this in response:

Ok this HAS to stop. This is so 9th grade ! I am completely uninterested! I am dating someone, her name is JENNY ! I mean come on how many times does it have to be said ? She treats me WONDERFULLY !!! She is honest and caring and loving and true to me! She keeps my heart with her and cares for it daily. I am COMPLETELY HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE WITH HER !!!! GET IT ? If not PISS OFF !

I AM SORRY I HAVE EVER MET YOU ! I WISH YOU HAD WORKED ANYWHERE OTHER THAN [place of employment]. GET IT ? DO NOT EMAIL OR CONTACT ME IN ANY WAY AGAIN !

But I really wasn’t satisfied without adding my two cents, so Keith gave me permission to let the claws out and I sent an email this morning.

Hello Kerstin & Regina,

This is Keith’s girlfriend, Jenny. Recently you both have emailed him about Regina’s interest and, while I don’t want you to think this is an attack out of jealousy, if that’s how it comes across then so be it. Long distance relationships are hard enough without another female, a sister if you will, working against it… no matter how dillusional that “sister” may be. I just want you to know that our relationship is a very strong one and emails like these only make you look desperate and sad, and being the nice person that I am, I thought perhaps you’d like to know. I certainly believe that females should stick together instead of being catty and back-stabbing, and now that you’ve stabbed at me several times, I don’t want you to think that my good up-bringing prevents me from sticking up for myself and what’s mine. Keith is mine. Please let me help you out of your pit of desperation by telling you that there are other guys out there for you… I’ll pray you find someone wonderful and loving and perfect like my Keith… there’s no one like him… but there might be someone close.

Also, Keith hinted that in your last email (Regina) you were likely a little drunk. Alcohol is not the answer and your problems will only come back 10 times worse in the end. If you do have a problem then you should visit here for help. I hope you get your life in order and stop emailing Keith for your own well being, though I have a feeling with his response that you will.

Take care,
Jenny


Aren’t I just the sweetest little thing? I do so hope she responds to it so I can continue to help her. Lets keep our fingers crossed!