David, go the freak home! Take Derek with you and stop tracking in mud, rust, tar, grease, and other crap that make the white tile grey/tan/orange/etc. When you make coffee, I understand you have a disease that makes it difficult to hold a cup, but here is just a little thought… why not use the hand that works properly? Then, perhaps, the coffee won’t be attracting ants and making sticky spots all over the floor. If this isn’t coffee, I don’t want to know what it is, but please… stop before my fantasies of ripping out all of what’s left of that skullet* you have going there.
You know that animal that barks? Yeah, when you pass by her water dish and it’s empty, you’ve shown you’re quite capable of filling it, yeah I noticed, … could you stop maybe and do so? Yeah and you know how said barker crapped in the house when you were caring for her in my stead? I hear, and maybe this is just plain silly, that taking her outside will stop that. Amazing no?
I know your eyes are glazing over but try to pay attention. Mom doesn’t like when you wash vehicle parts in the sanitary tub, or dishwasher. Come to think of it, when you get tar on your clothes they won’t be “clean” when you wash them in the washer. The tar will still be there because, believe it or not, tar just isn’t water soluble. I know you said it was, but… I wasn’t born yesterday and you’re not as clever as you think you are. You understand that the last time I had to run 4 empty loads with bleach in them just to get the smell out, right?
Oh, and before I forget, the next time you step foot in my room when I’m not home… yes, I know you picked the lock, silly… I will use the key I have to your bedroom called a hammer and …well… I wouldn’t want to spoil the surprise.
**A skullet is a mullet with a balding front.