Right now I feel like the hugest waste of space. Nothing I do is ever right. Nothing, nothing, nothing. I know I joke about my sanity slipping away, but at this point it’s really not a joke anymore. I don’t think I can take the pain of being a lesser person to my family much longer. These people are suppose to be my back bone, not the people that bring me down.
My mother HEARD me crying, yelled to get my attention, and when I responded what did she say? Not, why are you crying? Not, what’s the matter? No. What she said was, “Don’t flush the toilet cause I’m getting in the shower.” Wow. I say, “Maybe I shouldn’t go to the dinner tonight, I don’t think I can stand to look and B-renda and hear her crap anymore. I really just want to be a wallflower and fade into the background. I don’t want to cause problems.” my mom starts yelling, “Your not being there IS a problem. I don’t know what’s wrong with you.” I try to bite my cheek to take my mind off the inevitable emotion that wells up in the my throat like a lump. Why is it that nothing I do is right? I’m sorry that I’m a feeling person, I really wish I could make it so I wasn’t… I really do.
Seriously, if you have a trick for taking the heart off your sleeve and shoving it behind steel vaulted walls, let me in because I’m dying here.
To make everything even better…..
I did this to my mom’s baby. Her Jeep.
Those little black things on the ground? They would be the clips that hold the fuel pan in or some crap. Most of the damage was buffed right out… but one scratch remains. This will be lorded over me for the rest of my natural life. David is already referring to the Jeep as “Mom’s wrecked car” just to keep it nice and fresh. Nevermind that he scraped the mirror on the poniac going in and out and in and out of the garage with it. Did I lord it over him? Nah… I didn’t say a thing.
All I can do right now is “give it to Jesus” as my pastor would say. Harder than I thought it would be… and I’m not quite sure how it works… but I’m trying.
Do fevers happen just because your upset?