On occasion, when I’m in a really really bad mood, I like to drive like a jerk. Now, when I do this I’m not some crazy road raging maniac, I’m simply a jerk. And a lady-like jerk at that! I don’t finger people, or make some other rude hand gesture, I just simply piss them off and smile about it. Evil? Why, yes I am.
While in a profoundly bad mood coming home from the grocery store today I decided, while I was being a jerk, that I would spread my love and help others learn how to drive like a jerk. Afterall, when you’re in a bad mood, shouldn’t everyone else be?
Every now and again I’ll be posting new ways to drive like a jerk and if any of you have any jerk-like habits that make you smile, please email them to me and I’ll be more than happy to pass them on (with credit given to you, of course).
Also, please remember that there are scary road ragers out there. If you try any of these please use some caution, common scense, and proceed at your own risk.
Jerky Driving 101
When in a lane that another merges into, keep the same speed as the car next to you. This will insure the other driver has to stop to merge over. ( I actually did this one today to an RTA bus – do not try that one as he was prepared to take me out. )
When someone honks at you, say at a light, if you have the opportunity to pull up beside them roll your window down and ask in a sugar-sweet voice, “Do you know me?” When they ask you what you’re talking about or say “What?” elaborate by saying, “Oh, you honked at me, I figured it was because you knew me!” and then laugh. They will most assuredly be pissed off. (It helps if you have a large imposing male in the car with you. Unless you’re one yourself… in which case this should work perfectly.)
When someone honks at you and the light just barely changed, rollllllll out of the lane at a snail pace to teach them a lesson. Afterall, you’re just being cautious!
When on the highway, or any other multi-laned road, and the person behind you looks as though they might want to pass you, speed up and keep pace with the car next to you so they can’t. (Special credit for Keith on this one.)
When there is a ridiculously low speed limit that no one obeys, make sure that you obey it. On several occasions this will drive the person behind you crazier than a fox… and you know how crazy they are.
This concludes driving like a jerk for now. If you’re feeling bad and need a smile, I highly recommend passing on your frown to someone else. Enjoy!