Mudder-Feekin’ Ex

I’m scrubbed raw in the emotional department because I just finished reading ”Can You Keep a Secret?” by Sophie Kinsella, so this post will likely be all wordy and craptastic, but I promise you’ll laugh eventually either with or at me.

First, the phone call. Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever gotten a phone call from someone who you really don’t care for (and when I say “don’t care for” I mean, could care less if they exist) but it’s one of those situations you think, can’t I just rewind time a little bit and not pick up the phone?So I’m in the middle of polishing my mother’s toes for her when the phone rings. I run to pick it up because ever since my sister started asking for money I’ve put the ringer on 3 rings due to all the prank calls from her son, my nephew Derek. So I’m counting the rings, 1… running, trip over the dog, 2…. make it to the kitchen and pick it up out of breath.

Me: Hello?
Colin: Hey Jen.
Me: ….
Colin: Hello?
Me: Uhh..yeah?
Colin: (sounding a little odd, panicked) I just got your emails. (now he’s talking really fast) I don’t know what you’re talking about. I just packed all the stuff in the drawers.

I start laughing. Exactly, idiot, you packed your girlfriend’s panties and shaver.

Colin quickly adds: I mean, I packed all your stuff.
Me: Mm, well… yeah, I mentioned you packed some of my things. You packed her things too. Listen, I don’t really care anyway, I was just letting you know where they went to. (And I thought it was freakin’ funny!)
Colin: Jen… *big sigh*

(I always hated that he called me Jen. He introduced me as Jen, and everyone called me that before they really ever got to know me. Jen is my friends for a long time, more personal nickname, dangit.)

Me: I’m in the middle of something, is that all you wanted?
Colin: I’ve never been with anyone else (he must be forgetting the girl he cheated on me with) and I don’t know how panties that aren’t yours got in there.

(Then, and this is the best mudder-feekin’ part!)

Colin: There’s no one else if that’s what your worried about.
Me: (laughing all over again) No, I’m not worried about that at all.

(Yeah, cause I don’t have to worry about contracting an STD from one of your skanks anymore.)

Colin: You know what I mean.
Me: I gotta go.

Later on, after I finish doing all her nails to perfection (I’m really good at it, ya know) I go up and crawl into my computer chair and read emails.

Here’s email #1 – my comentary is purple:

Erm.. I have no idea what you are talking about. (Nothing new.) I just sent everything that was in those drawers. And The things that were in the closet. I don’t have a girlfriend now and have never even thought of looking for one.

Oh my word, do I even need to comment here?

I found that electric razor in the box of mismatched things in the bottom of the closet and assumed it was yours from when your mom sent that shipment of your belongings to you way back when.

It was too expensive for her to send a shipment because whenever it would arrive I would then have to pay other fees – not worth it. Plus, I’ve never owned an electric razor or red whore panties.

I assure you Jen, there are no games going on here. I don’t even know what panties you are talking about. (Yet then he pulls an imaginary pair out of his arse!)Were you talking about the red ones that you bought when you came to Fort St. John with me before we got married? Those were the only lace ones I sent. And I did see you wear those once there. Those are the only ones that come to mind.

First, Fort St. John, BC is the lamest place to shop. It’s a trucker town. Their big-timey store is Walmart, and it didn’t even exist when I was living there before we got married, so where in the heck would I find a place that I’d buy panties from? That work-clothes place that sells over-alls? Infact the only thing I ever bought there were books.

Jen, I wouldn’t confess my love and care for you after everything we have been through and not mean it. There has been no other woman in my life except me wishing we were together.

Right, he would never say something and not mean it. Like… say… wedding vows. And the other woman in his life is named ‘mewishingweweretogether’? Eegads, her parents must hate her.

As for the baby picture, I am very confused. I didn’t send one of them? Or I did send one that wasn’t yours?

I said the word “assinine” once and he thought I was the most brilliant person he’d ever met. Nuff said on the “I am very confused” part.

please explain.

Colin
—-

Letter #2 – my commentary in purple:

shoot forgot to mention one thing. I got a few shirts as gifts. The Nike hoody and whatnot and just thought you may like it because you like sweatshirts and things. I didn’t like the way the fit me. It was a just a gesture of goodwill.

Blah blah blah… yeah it was a gesture of goodwill, I sent them to Goodwill.

Jen you have to belive me that I am WAY above these stupid games. I would never do anything like that to you.

No…*snort*….never.

Anyways… Just thought you should know.

Colin

The hilarity that is the day before my birthday must be an omen of more good things to come tomorrow. Now all I need is for all my internet stalkers to surface and I can die a happy woman.

… If by happy I mean completely miserable and wanting to physically harm myself.