Horney the Cat

This cat may look cute and cuddly, but don’t be fooled by her fluffy appearance and heart shaped name tag. This cat is a demon. She spends her days thinking up new ways to piss me off. She has sprung out of the bushes to attack my dog, she has run up to the sliding glass door where my cat lies and pawed at it to scare her, and she craps in the yard.

Today she was sitting on top of the Jeep with muddy little paws just after I’d washed it. I glared at her, and she glared back. “Horney, get off there.” I said. She continued to glare at me and then let out one of her low, butch girl cat meows. This is of course rather intimidating because… I have soft flesh and she has claws. So I said again, “Cat, … ” with a tone I was sure masked my fear of her crazy-eyed looks and showed her I meant business, “…you better get down before I go get the hose!” She flicked her ears and turned her head away as if to say, ‘Try me.’ Dang, I thought, she called my bluff the sprinkler was currently hooked up to the only hose that could reach the driveway and it was watering the lawn. Then, I glanced down at the water bottle in my hand and with an evil smile took aim.

“Jenny?” I hear my neighbor lady say as she emerged from her garage. Crap. I quickly put the water bottle down. “Oh, hi there, Shelly.” I smiled and she glanced past me at the cat. “Is that your cat?” I shook my head vigorously as I said, “Noooo, that cat lives down that way… ” I pointed in the direction of the street labelled on Horney’s collar. “… I can’t stand this cat.” I added. She joined me in glaring at the menace. “She poops in my flower garden, AND she positions herself under my bushes and runs out to attack my husband nearly every morning when he leaves for work.” Hrm, I can’t blame Horney there, her husband is freakin’ jerk, but perhaps I have an ally here. “Really? She craps in my yard all the time. I can’t figure out how to scare her off for good.” She adds, “We’ve been hosing the bushes down to get her out of them in the mornings but she doesn’t seem to care.” Inside I was laughing. If I didn’t dislike this cat so much I’d give her a treat for her gutsy attacks on Shelly’s husband. I could feel the amusment beginning to bubble up as Shelly told me about how her husband has started parking his car in the garage to escape Horney’s attacks. What a wuss. “What does she do?” I asked trying to keep a smile at bay. “Well, she just basically darts out in front of him as he’s walking. He’s even fallen down a few times.”

I quickly wrapped up my conversation with Shelly, and as she disappeared into her garage I gave Horney a quick squirt with my water bottle. Horney hissed, which made me aim the water bottle at her again, and then got down to lay where she is in the picture above. I let her be, but not because I’m afraid of her (well actually yeah it was) but because with the antics she pulled off with the neighbors, my war can wait.