Memorial Day..

This memorial day I unfortunately had a bad attack of the allergic kind, but I wanted to take a moment to post about this site I found recently. It made me think of Meghan and her husband being so far away, which made me think about those soldiers who don’t have a loving wife or family member to think, and worry, and miss them from afar. So, I’m posting a link to a site called “Books for Soldiers” and I’ve added it to my links on the right hand side for those that might miss this post.

I hope everyone had a memorable memorial day.

B-renda: Female or Male?

Ok, this is soooo hilarious! Today was my brother Van’s birthday and we celebrated by going to Olive Garden. This, of course, was baaaad news for my parents and I because tomorrow we have to go BACK because Lisa (my step-sister) chose that exact resturant to eat at. Oh well… I’ll… have salad.

ANYWAY! My brother David was along and he and I share a hatred for my brother Van’s fiance, Brenda. I keep saying her arms are abnormally hairy and she has stubble on her chin, but no one ever believes me. Today, they all became believers.

Exibit A

Brenda the bearded woman, holding Buster.

Exibit B

Are those man arms? Did her mother, perhaps, mate with a sasquach?

Exibit C

A close-up of the beard. Don’t forget the shaved off ‘stache!

My brother’s face must be raw from all that stubble. Has this “woman” never heard of waxing? Or bleach!? Lucky for me, with my genes, my hair grows in blonde and very fine. My gosh, memories of Denise in high school bleaching her mustache come to mind. I mean, a highschooler knew how to do this, shouldn’t a grown “woman”?

I have a distant cousin that had a sex change, maybe Van is marrying an “it”?

Poor guy doesn’t have a chance.

Mudder-Feekin’ Shade

I thought having a shade so the peeping-toms next door wouldn’t watch me (not that I understand why they would!) was a good idea… until I started installing the bloody shade. It’s an adjustable one, and in the directions they make it sound so clean and simple… well, maybe for people not shade-installing challenged, sure!

I started installing at like… forever ago and it’s still not installed. Bloody evil thing. If it doesn’t behave I’ll just stomp on it and put on a show for the perverts.

I’ve given up for the night out of frustration. It needs to eat die.

Molly the Mole

My mom’s tests came out perfect. Her tumor markers were low, and her cholesterol was FAR lower than the goal they had set. Thank goodness!!

My idiot sister didn’t call today. BONUS! Of course, she’s recovering from her “heart attack” so that might be difficult for her.

On to a little funnier news:

We’ve had a visitor or two the past few days, starting on Sunday. Ms. Molly the Mole. She’s actually alot cuter than I imagined, and after we caught her in the “have a heart” trap we put her outside. Well today she’s back, or perhaps one of her friends? She likes to crap. Thanks, Molly, for all the presents. I’ll be throwing that towel away.

Apparently, according to my brother, we have a few in the basement. Our cat isn’t much of a “mouser” seeing as that the house fire took care of her having any claws. She does keep a close eye on them, though! She likes to watch them run.

Psycho Part II

Have you ever been utterly amazed by another human being? Like, you think you’ve heard it all, and then someone just… does something utter astounding? Well, I had one of those experiences today.

My sister, as I’ve said lately, has totally and utterly lost it. Her desperation has reached a whole new level, and we all know what deperate times calls for. I mean, this one will floor you!

I was napping, and I’ve come to realize that if I’m tired and need a nap, something crappy will happen. The phone rings and I jump to get it, as I usually do, and I hear what sounds like an old lady on the phone.

Old Lady: Hi, is Ellie there?
Me: Can I ask who’s speaking?
Old Lady: This is Stormy . Derek told me to call.

Short detail: Stormy is Dereks girlfriend in Iowa, not an old lady. Sad how even she has been wrangled into this crap. And yes, her real name is Stormy. Her sister is Hailey, and she has a few other siblings named after weather. It’s Iowa, what do you expect?

Me: Oh, hi Stormy. My mom’s not here, can I give her a message?
Stormy: Well, Derek told me to call because Kim had a heart attack.
Me: (not really buying it) She did? When?
Stormy: Two days ago.

Two days ago she called here in the morning.

Me: What hospital is she in?
Stormy: We’re checking her out now, it’s Elsworth Municiple Hospital.

I scrambled to write that down.

Me: And she had a heart attack?
Stormy: (real sad now) Yeah, we’re checking her out now. She wants her mom to call her tonight.
Me: Ok, I’ll give her the message.
Stormy: Ok, thanks. *snuffle*

Immediately after hanging up, I *69’ed the number. Unfortunately the cable was out, so I made a call while I figured out what was going on with the cable to Keith. He looked up the number for me and sure enough, it was for Elsworth Municiple Hospital. Well crap! But then I started thinking, why wouldn’t Kim have called? Or Derek! I mean, especially if this was 2 days ago. So, I call lovely Elsworth Municiple Hospital. Remember, the entire town consists of about 380 people, so we’re not talking Johns Hopkins here. The nurse that answered was very nice and full of information.

I asked if Kim Leski/Alton was listed as a patient. She said there wasn’t. I asked, if she’d been checked out, or was checking out would she be listed? She said she wouldn’t be. Well dern. She then explained if she was there that all she could tell me was that she was there, not any details. I thanked her for the information and hung up. After a moment I remembered something and called back. I asked, “If someone had a heart attack 2 days ago, would she be checking out now?” The nurse said, very emphatically, that she would not already be checking out. Then as I thanked her she said, “And I was working on Saturday and I don’t remember anyone named Kim coming in.”

That’s right. My very loving sister PRETENDED to have had a HEART ATTACK to get $1400 off my parents.

All I have to say to that is a very good quote from the movie ‘As Good As It Gets’. Sell crazy somewhere else, we’re all full up here.

More Quizes

I am 19% White Trash.
Not at all White Trashy!

I, my friend, have class. I am so not white trash. . I am more than likely Democrat, and my place is neat, and there is a good chance I may never drink wine from a box.

Damn skippy! My mama don’t never let me date her boyfriends, so’s I’m still waitin’ fer one of my dads to marry me. Yee-haw!

I am 42% Internet Addict.
Slight Internet Addict.

I could go either way. Deep into the madness of nights filled with coding CGI-Scripts and online role playing games, or I could become a normal user. Good luck!

Dude, I so thought I’d score higher!

In Threes

Have you ever had one of those weeks where you think, “Thank goodness this week is over!” ? Well, this week was one of those weeks for me. They say that bad things happen in threes and this week it’s most assuredly true.

1. Mom’s emergency.
2. Car rear-ended.
3. Sister being a psycho.

Oh yes, my wonderful sister decided that, ya know, I don’t think my family has enough stress… maybe I’ll call them and make it worse! So since she first called, well… actually since my nephew started calling, my parents have been avoiding answering the phone at all. So, being the personal assistant that I am, I answered all calls coming in. On Friday my mom was on the phone with “church lady” AKA Bev (she’s not the busy body), answered call waiting, and bingo, it was my sister. My mom says, “I’m on the phone with my pastor.” (a lie, but close enough) and my beloved sister says she’ll call back. Doesn’t ask why she might be on the phone with her pastor, just says she’ll call back. So… when my mom’s off the phone she says, “Jen, while I was on the phone, Kim called.” I was exhausted, and napping when she found me, so I was barely comprehending when she told me. My auto response was, “Ok, don’t answer the phone, I will.” So, sure enough not 5 minutes after my mom tells me the phone rings.

Derek: Is Grandma there?
Me: No.
Derek: Yes she is, liar, she was just on the phone with her f’in (though he used the whole word) pastor so I know she’s there. Let me talk to her.
Me: No, and especially not with that sort of language, bub.
Derek: Oh, you’re soooo cool. *click*

The phone then rang three times with him hanging up every time I picked-up.

So, while I’ve been trying to keep that from my parents to lessen the stress, the call and hang up dealy was more than I could disguise. With a heaving sigh I went down stairs and got the ‘what was that about’ look from my parents. I just smiled and looked up David’s (my brother)number. I called him and explained what was happening and unfortunately, my mother heard. Her favorite grandson hitting her up for money for a car, or drugs, or whatever the heck is so important, and not caring about her well-being really cut her to the quick. While I was on the phone with David, my sister called saying,

Her: Is mom there?
Me: Nope.
Her: Oh, where is she?
Me: Walking.
Her: Oh, she told me to call her back cause she was on the phone with her pastor.
Me: Ahh, yeah… well, she’s on a walk now.
Her: Oh okay, tell her to call me back.
Me: Sure. And you might want to tell your son to stop pranking the house.
Her: Oh. Okay.
Then she adds: Oh, and tell mom if she doesn’t call me back, I will NEVER call her again. Ever.
Me: Ooookie.
Her: Ever.
Me: Right.

Seeing as my mom’s standing right there, I kept my tone light, which had to make Kim even more mad. (Thanks David for teaching me the art of making people rage!) So I hang up and I turn to see my mom’s eyes are tearing up. She wasn’t born yesterday, afterall.

I took a walk with her so she can vent and get some fresh air, and return to 4 messages on the answering machine. Luckily while they were away I moved it up to my room, so I listened to the messages 2 from David saying, “It’s me… not the enemy!” and 2 from Derek talking about how he really NEEDS to talk to his grandma-ma in private. Grandma-ma? Since when did he become some snobby I donno… new englander? Anyway, his “grandma-ma” never heard his plea for her to call because his messages went buh-bye.

I picked up the phone in hopes to talk to Keith and destress, handling this and keeping it away from my mom has been a chore and a half, when the phone rings again. I pick it up and my sister’s on the other end more mad than I’ve heard her in a while.

Her: Is mom there?
Me: Nope.
Her: Is she gonna be there any time tonight?
Me: Nope. (mind you, keith is in my other ear on my cell)
Her: Well, I just found out that you three (meaning David, my Mom, and I) have been sitting over there having little talks about me.
Me: Um…alright?
Her: Well, the least you guys could do was tell me I’m a peice of sh*t to my face.
Me: Kim, you know… Mom’s virtigo —
Her: WHat!? What about about it? I called her doctor and found out all about her condition.. so what, Ms. Smartypants, what do you think you could tell me?
Me: No, go ahead… what’d you find out? ( Hello? Called her doctor? Puh-lease.)
Her: No.. go ahead! GO AHEAD!
Me: It can be caused by stress.
Her: Well, NO SH*T!
Me: *totally silent while she rages*
Her: *rage – blah blah* I just want to know who’s gonna be there to pick me up from the bus station on Sunday.
Me: Huh?
Her: Yeah, cause I’m gonna come there.
Me: Why are you coming here?
Her: So all you peices of sh*t can tell me I’m a peice of sh*t to my face.

Personally, at this point, I don’t need to be face-to-face with that psycho to tell her she’s a peice of shite. Then she says, “I’ve been throwing up blood!” Right, because people that throw up blood usually call their family members and SCREAM at them right after. Mmhmm. How did I react? “Oh please.” And Keith says in my other ear, “Don’t let her get to you.” But my words have already angered the psycho even more.

Me: *silent as visions of her running at me with a knife play in my mind*
Me: Blah-blah-yadda-*raspberries with my tongue* *click*

I went to bed that night thinking up reasons to get my mom out of the house on Sunday. If Kim wasn’t lying (which is a rarity) then my mom needs to be away for Sunday. Have fun walking, psycho!

Don’t worry, she was lying. She called on Saturday to say something, was all mello and sounding bad (likely because calling at 8:30am was harsh for her), but the portable phone’s battery died before she got out anything more than “Hello? “. I shrugged and rolled over.

You’d sound harsh too if you had to deal with siblings like her.

Atleast my “in threes” third thing happened. I was beginning to wonder what other catastrophe would hit.

Car Crash Craziness

This morning I woke up and glanced at the clock. Ten to 9. My mom was due for her blood test this morning and she hadn’t woken me up yet. I sprung out of bed and went down to see if the Jeep was in the driveway. Nope. I thought, she prolly had Bob go with her I know how much this blood test thing freaks her out. So I popped their bedroom door open a little and no… Bob was still there, snoring away.

So I ran upstairs, pulled on my clothes, grabbed my purse, sunglasses, and keys then ran up and got my cell and my jacket and back down to get in the car. I wanted to be there for her. I was on my cell with Keith, when all the sudden there’s a little morning dove in the road, and she’s walking too slow and not flying away! I slow down and the car behind me rams into the rear end of the poniac. Wonderful. I’m shaking like a leaf as I exchange information, and all I can think about is how this will ADD to my mom’s stress!

The guy, named Glen, was actually pretty nice. He asked what happened and I said, “There was an animal in the road.” He gives the indignant huff, and an eye roll, and goes back to his car. So we exchange info yadda yadda, and I get back on the road. The damage was pretty minor – it looks to my very unqualified eye as just some scratches or some such. Nothing hugely expensive I hope. Glen’s insurance company called and said to take it to our usual auto place to be repaired and such and that they would call and make sure it was directly billed to them. That’s kinda nice!

The rest of the day was a total drag, involving Bob over-reacting about things and being his usual grumpy mean self. Whatever!

On the plus side, I finally got some pictures taken to put in my room. They’re of the flowers outside… if I can’t smell them, atleast I’ll be able to look at them, right? Pictures don’t produce pollen!